Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Do's and Do Not's of the Week

Some of the things that I've learned in the last few days: Do NOT stand in front of an open window when the whole house exhaust fan is on, and try to sprinkle flour on anything. You just will find yourself and all surrounding areas covered in in a dusting of flour, and someone may try to saute you. Plus you just have to clean the mess from the entire entire kitchen. Cats will NOT lick up flour from the floor, but they do like to run and roll in it.

Do NOT argue about alimony with a pack of men...they will grind you into a womanly pulp and then spit out your tender bits. Also, be careful when having the same argument with the women who hang around with these men. They tend to have very large brass balls, and will do anything to prove you are an idiot for thinking alimony is still needed in this country. They seek approval from these Neanderthals.

Men do NOT find it amusing in the least; when their ex-spouse decides to have a sex change. They will not understand that this person is still the same person inside but just has different plumbing.

"You'll know you are in love when you are willing to give up chocolate forever to be with that person for even an hour."

People hate hearing things like this quote; so DO make sure you are speaking to another romantic when you mention this quote. Otherwise you'll just be an idiot for feeling like this. Who the hell knew that romance and wishing you had some in your life, was the root of all evil? Lord, it must be wonderful to be so secure in yourself that you don't ever need to make a sacrifice or even a compromise for love. It's either that or your mate is an idiot not worth loving. *snort*

Do NOT - NOT - NOT try to give yourself a bikini wax at home. And if you don't heed my warning, at least make sure you wear panties while trying to manage this torture, or you will find yourself with an unwanted Brazilian wax job. No good will come of it, I guarantee it. If you aren't careful you will also find yourself peeing through a straw, much like a Eunuch...I speak from experience.(I'm sitting here, very gingerly on a pillow at the moment) As a matter of fact,even going to a salon for a full wax isn't a wonderful day at Disney...let the "drapes" match the "carpet" and leave the bare "floors" to infants and pre-teens.
Which makes me wonder why men like to see their women with no pubic hair, does it give them the feeling of 'having' the forbidden fruit of pre-pubescence?

I'll leave with a question...why do men have such excellent body images of themselves and women think their bodies mostly suck???

How does a man parade around in public, pasty white, hairy fore and aft, big boobed, bald, pot-bellied with plumbers crack and skinny knobby legs and a tiny package; as you will plainly know if they are wearing tighy whities or a Speedo in public --- yes, my neighbor does wear his under-wear to get his newspaper in the morning (I've since switched to the afternoon edition) and think they are sex on a stick???

On that gruesome note I bid you all a goodnight! Want to borrow my Brain Brillo???

Saturday, July 26, 2008

A Terrible Waste of a Perfectly Good Tree

Happy Hour of the Damned -- by Mark Henry
Briefly this book is about our poor little newbie zombie Amanda Feral - rich, snobby, a fashionista to the max with a vocabulary like a long shoreman, a socialite with no conscience, the morals of a dog and clothes like a hooker but done in haute couture (think Betsy from MaryJanice Davidsons series, but even younger, meaner, and with a worse mouth). I've actually I've met long-shoreman that swear less and with much less color than Amanda and her "friends" do. Turned against her knowledge into a zombie, the book opens without our knowing just what happened to her. We are soon thrust into a "mystery" (and I use that term loosely) and then we are treated to a lengthy detailed description of how she was turned. Make-up to cover her very new complexion being foremost on her mind. Also we are treated to some really interesting prose about how zombies eat and it ain't pretty! Think jaws unhinging and faces being ripped through and eaten off..
Amanda's mystery starts with a text message on her phone from a friend, a succubus. Just one word "help". That gets the ball rolling. Sort of. We don't really see Amanda working too hard, until the final quarter of the book, to find her friend.
This book is [i]not [/i]anything we've never read before, that is if you've actually spent any time reading Urban Fantasy at all (again think Betsy From MJ Davidson) . There are many claims of it being fresh and new (see reviews at Amazon.com and the fact that most (all) of the early reviews are from newish authors. If you consider that the only thing I can see as being new, is the authors attempt at humor by using foot notes, then you have something new and fresh. Frankly I found the use to be annoying, it kept pulling me out of the story (what story there was) and I felt that this attempt at humor did more bad than good. I might have been more willing to over look the fact that Mr Henry seems to have an anus fixation, and a disturbing knowledge of haute couture.
This book is another book, that may not know what it wants to be when it grows up and perhaps FRESH is the new term for books that try too hard to cross too many genres at once and in my opinion fail.
This book should be classified as Chick Lit/Urban Dark Fantasy/Horror/Mystery. But alas, I'm afraid there is no such thing...yet.
If you are in the the age bracket of 13 -2o, you may find that this is what you've been looking for. A book about zombies and other creatures of the night (and day) that prey upon the humans of the world. A book that speaks in your language, with the slang of a new (old, read it you'll see what I mean) generation. This book is getting amazing reviews on Amazon...Anything that gets another generation to read and off the computer is a good thing.
The only reason why I'm not slamming this book against the wall is that I may just be too mature for it. Like I said, if you are in a certain age bracket you may find this wildly funny and super duper fresh. Then again, I find so many of my youthful friends have very good taste and intelligence.

Thursday, July 24, 2008

Simple Words

Three little words...I love you. I wish more people let those that matter hear those words more often. There are all kinds of love; the love you feel for your kids, parents, lover, spouse, friends. Yet do we really say the words enough, or do we just feel that the other person knows what's in our heart?

Since my Dad died last year, I've been taking care of my mother. I've always been closer to her than I was to my Dad, but when his end was nearing, even when he was still having his 'healthy' days, I made sure to say the words. I'm glad I did, because he died with both of us knowing how I felt.

Today, out of the blue my Mom says to me "I love you" before we got off the phone. It made me smile and lightened my day. I mean; let's face it, I'm an adult and I know she loves me, but it's sure nice to hear it said out loud. Tell someone right now how you feel. In truth, you may never have another chance because life just happens whether we want it to or not.

So do you want to "Swallow Darkness"?? and other perverted thoughts

The newest book in Laurell K Hamiltons's series is called Swallowing Darkness *snort* - here are the titles for the beginning:

A Kiss of Shadows (2000)
A Caress of Twilight (2002)
Seduced by Moonlight (2004)
A Stroke of Midnight (2005)
Mistral's Kiss (2006)
A Lick of Frost (2007)
Swallowing Darkness (Nov 2008)

So does anyone see a trend here? Or is it just my perverted mind? Kiss, Caress, Seduce, Stroke, Kiss, Lick, Swallow...so what the hell comes next (oops - no pun intended!) Gargle with Listerine, have a cigarette and a glass of Zinfandel?? Clever little minx is our Ms. Hamilton. No one can ever mistake these books for anything more than they are. Oh, don't get me wrong; I'm totally hooked on this series, and there is an interesting story line, but going by these names do you actually think most people are looking for a plot when they pick up these books?

So speaking of sex ----Sex and the mainstream book - Has "porn for women" otherwise known as Erotica, gone the way of the Dodo bird? I remember the days that if I wanted a little sexual spice (more than could be found in a romance) in my reading, I would have to down-load an e-book from a "kinky" publisher to my e-reader. My shame knew no bounds and I felt somewhat 'dirty' for liking books like this. It fascinated me to know that sexy books wasn't just for men any more.
Now really 'dirty' sex has gone mainstream. I don't think I've seen a 'kink' that hasn't been written about and pushed on to the masses by very legitimate and normally conservative publishers . I love seeing how these conservative publishers now have subsidiaries for their "porn" er....Erotica *snicker*.

So, has really erotic sex in novels become boring now that it's a perfectly normal, legitimate genre? Do authors feel the need to pepper their books with badly written, very uncreative or overly-creative sex scenes, (think multiple partners, chains, whips, candle wax...think four and five-somes...why not just add a dog and some battery operated toys and be done with it?) just to hit both mainstream fiction, romance, AND the sub-genre of erotica. In this readers opinion - yes it IS getting boring to come across these totally out in left field scenes. Why does an author think it's good writing to stick sex in in a scene where the hero and heroine are running for their lives? Literally.

Gah...I long for the days when woman's porn was sold by very few houses and it was good because you knew you were buying and reading a book to be titillated, not for the plot. Plot was an added bonus.

Wednesday, July 23, 2008

My Tomatos Are Popping and other random stuff

Older women and younger men... what in Gods name does a (for example) 40 year old woman want with a man 20 years younger than her? The sex can't possibly be good unless she is into being very dominant, or really, really into teaching. Perhaps the conversation is very stimulating? For that matter what the hell CAN they talk about?

Color me perplexed.

Hey I had a scare last month with my cholesterol...it was in the "stroke" range. I went on Lipitor and voila it came down from 285 to 181. Yipee.

What's all the hoopla over a title like this -"My tomatoes are popping out!!!" Apparently 'tomato' is a euphemism even I have never heard of for breasts! Who knew?

Sarcasm - is it the lowest form of humor or are puns even lower. Frankly, gentle sarcasm is amusing, but only if you really have an idea what will or will not set off someone. Me? I'm a little thin skinned; but I love it when people I know fairly well do it to me. Makes me feel like they love me.

I was speaking to a male via PM's and we had a very good conversation going for about a week (nothing naughty, I swear LOL!!! of course I do have an interesting story about being naughty with another writer - who knew I had it in me???LOL)...I sent the last PM with a few more questions and comments ---never got another missive. Was it rude or is this common behavior? Should I feel concerned that I did something wrong, or was he just an ass hat? I hate guilt. Actually I think he saw my posted picture and freaked. *snicker*

Another PM issue - if you are a member of a large internet community (a forum, a writers board etc) you'll know what I'm talking about.
This one really took the cake. In a reply to a PM I was told that it wasn't worth talking to me via PM's since he got no post count for it. Another ass hat for sure.

In conclusion...the world is filled with "ass hats" *sigh*