Wednesday, July 30, 2008

The Do's and Do Not's of the Week

Some of the things that I've learned in the last few days: Do NOT stand in front of an open window when the whole house exhaust fan is on, and try to sprinkle flour on anything. You just will find yourself and all surrounding areas covered in in a dusting of flour, and someone may try to saute you. Plus you just have to clean the mess from the entire entire kitchen. Cats will NOT lick up flour from the floor, but they do like to run and roll in it.

Do NOT argue about alimony with a pack of men...they will grind you into a womanly pulp and then spit out your tender bits. Also, be careful when having the same argument with the women who hang around with these men. They tend to have very large brass balls, and will do anything to prove you are an idiot for thinking alimony is still needed in this country. They seek approval from these Neanderthals.

Men do NOT find it amusing in the least; when their ex-spouse decides to have a sex change. They will not understand that this person is still the same person inside but just has different plumbing.

"You'll know you are in love when you are willing to give up chocolate forever to be with that person for even an hour."

People hate hearing things like this quote; so DO make sure you are speaking to another romantic when you mention this quote. Otherwise you'll just be an idiot for feeling like this. Who the hell knew that romance and wishing you had some in your life, was the root of all evil? Lord, it must be wonderful to be so secure in yourself that you don't ever need to make a sacrifice or even a compromise for love. It's either that or your mate is an idiot not worth loving. *snort*

Do NOT - NOT - NOT try to give yourself a bikini wax at home. And if you don't heed my warning, at least make sure you wear panties while trying to manage this torture, or you will find yourself with an unwanted Brazilian wax job. No good will come of it, I guarantee it. If you aren't careful you will also find yourself peeing through a straw, much like a Eunuch...I speak from experience.(I'm sitting here, very gingerly on a pillow at the moment) As a matter of fact,even going to a salon for a full wax isn't a wonderful day at Disney...let the "drapes" match the "carpet" and leave the bare "floors" to infants and pre-teens.
Which makes me wonder why men like to see their women with no pubic hair, does it give them the feeling of 'having' the forbidden fruit of pre-pubescence?

I'll leave with a question...why do men have such excellent body images of themselves and women think their bodies mostly suck???

How does a man parade around in public, pasty white, hairy fore and aft, big boobed, bald, pot-bellied with plumbers crack and skinny knobby legs and a tiny package; as you will plainly know if they are wearing tighy whities or a Speedo in public --- yes, my neighbor does wear his under-wear to get his newspaper in the morning (I've since switched to the afternoon edition) and think they are sex on a stick???

On that gruesome note I bid you all a goodnight! Want to borrow my Brain Brillo???

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